Braving the Spotlight

A Journey from Fear to Faith

Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

(*Author Note: Names have been changed.)

The Event

“It must be 'purple’ day,“ I mentioned to my new friend Claire, as the women began to arrive for their Women’s Ministry meeting that morning. Most seemed to have picked a warm sweater or sweatshirt sporting various shades of lavender or burgundy, just like mine. What a coincidence, I thought.

“That’s what we wear to this meeting, it’s a tradition in our church,” Chris explained, knowing this was my first time there.

“OH! How funny! I picked this purple sweater last minute... I guess it was actually a ‘God coincidence’ so I would fit right in!” I laughed.

When it was my turn up front to speak, I scanned the attentive faces of a dozen women sitting at round tables in the fellowship hall. I’d tried to picture these unknown women in my mind, but the reality was so much better! A few faces were familiar, but most I didn’t know. Faces of women gracious enough to listen-- wrinkled brows and bright eyes indicating years of life, love, and suffering, leaving collective wisdom in their wake.

Oh, God. Who was I to be speaking anything into their lives? And would I be able to share this story involving a major mental health crisis in my twenties, the story I’d kept private for 35 years? More importantly, would these women be able to find any value in it, be able to relate, or feel inspired? All these jumbled thoughts ricocheted around my mind. I shot up a prayer for God to keep me focused.

“Good morning! I’m thankful we all made it here in the snow. It’s funny how I ended up here today. When I shared my journey last summer with Sheila, how I was writing about my miraculous turn-around with Jesus, she suggested that if I was going to be an author, I should learn to speak. Well, my word for 2024 was ‘COMMIT’ to whatever the Lord brought my way, so how could I say no?”

There were chuckles all around, and I continued. As I spoke, I visualized myself standing inside the invisible form of Jesus, bolstered by his strength. And I shared the verse that popped up repeatedly during my mental breakdown, Psalm 46:10 --"Be still, and know that I am God.”

The Prep

Though I had prepared for this speech for months, I can’t say I felt ready for the actual speaking. I did, however, experience peace with where I was in the process as a beginner. Rom. 8:28 reminds us, "And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Anything worthwhile from me sharing my story remains completely in his hands. I’m just one voice in the cacophony of all the others. I know my words are simply an instrument in his much grander plans.

So much of life down here is about where we turn as we go through various struggles. Never having shared my personal story publicly, I battled anxiety along the way. Reliving a time one would rather hide and forget is never easy on our emotions! Yet, I can clearly see how God used these last five years of writing to bring me to this point.

Last week, as I edited away, I realized that it's always been easier for me to share my story one-on-one with friends OUTSIDE of church. I’d avoided disclosing it to many of my friends INSIDE the church, out of fear of judgment or lingering concerns. (Something seems wrong with this; I don’t think I’ve given my church friends enough credit!)

But over the last few years, God‘s been at work shoring up my identity as his child. He’s been leading me to understand that I can stand strong in his story of redemption and leave my fears with him. One of the blessings of working on this speech was tracing his hand at work throughout my breakdown. He was seeking me even before I came to seek him.

The Speaking

Speaking does not come easy to one who hid trauma for years. Not to mention that becoming an accomplished and confident speaker naturally requires more practice than I’ve yet had!

As I spoke, I noticed things I would’ve never known by practicing on my own:

• Glancing at my outline, I couldn’t always find my place. Thankfully, I knew my story well enough to proceed.

• Facial expressions and yawns from my audience sent distracting thoughts through my mind that needed to be ignored.

• Tiny concerns became prayers flung heavenward on the fly.

• And my ending STILL felt like it needed more work.

• Applause embarrassed me, but I guess this is just what we do in our culture. How DOES a Christian speaker handle that? I pointed upward and said, “Let’s give God the glory!” Because that’s what I truly desired from my story.

The Result

I can’t say that I loved this first speaking experience, mostly because of my lack of experience, and the unknown response. However, I DID LOVE the connections I made with the women that day! Many came up to me afterward to share how they’d related or felt inspired. I enjoyed hearing how God had sparked interest and been at work!

For instance, one lovely lady shared that she worked as a psychiatric nurse for years, and never saw patients get well. “You’re a walking miracle!” she added. (I have to agree!)

Another new friend, whose recent battles include a brain tumor and surgery (amazing!), leaned closer to me. “You know that verse you shared?” (Psalm 46:10.) “Well, that’s been my life verse, and my friend even looked over here at me when you shared it!” How wonderful, I thought! Another little God connection.

Another friend shared that she hoped to draw closer to God this year. Wonderful!

Afterward

At home after the event, I crashed and needed a power nap. It took me most of the weekend to process and recover because telling my story still takes a lot out of me.

But I’m thankful for the opportunity to try this new experience and to accomplish something with God that felt so hard for so long.

I’m also excited about the new relationships formed. Women who were previously strangers to me now feel like friends. (And if you’re here reading this from after that event, welcome! Happy to have you here!)

So many beautiful women of God down here, doing his work!

And I get to be one of them.

#blessed

“I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart; I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation;” (Psalm 40: 9, ESV).