Depression, Healing, and God:

My Personal Journey Back to Hope

There is always Light in the darkness…**

From Depression to Hope

Today we are celebrating! What are we celebrating, you ask?

That life right now is so. much. nicer than it was exactly one year ago for me.

Last winter and spring, I found myself struggling with mild depression, unable to focus and without motivation. I’m no stranger to depression—this became my third time through it.

The first time, I struggled for three years as a young adult in a major depression that I now would blame on spiritual warfare and sin-sickness (sin perpetrated on me in my youth, and my destructive reactions to that). Those three years ended up being a dark, hopeless season— BUT God used it to bring me fully to himself. He absolutely used it for my good (Jer. 29:11-12, NIV).

Since then, I’d struggled only once more with a milder, circumstantial depression after my mother’s difficult death from Alzheimer’s.

Until last year, in the spring of 2024, I found myself tanking again due to unresolved physical issues. I’m going to share this story I wrote for my writing group at that time (names have been changed to protect the innocent! lol )

An Unfinished Story…(one year ago)

Amanda strategically set her Styrofoam coffee cup down onto her napkin. “How long have I known you, like six or eight years?”

I nod yes, attentive to her concerned tone. Three of us perch on bar-height stools around a table at a local coffee dive, the intention to meet for an early morning Bible study and for accountability.

Rain streaks down the wall of windows in front of us, the early spring world colorless and dull. Dishes clatter in the background, and the alarming smell of one of their machines burning out permeates the air.

Amanda leans toward me to continue. “Well, as long as I’ve known you, I think this is the most depressed I’ve ever seen you.”

She speaks the words in kindness, but they sting. Without saying a word, friends recognize my angst. My throat closes up tight; no words will come.

Eyes filling, I shift my gaze forward, fixating on the gloom outside. This is the third time in three days that I’ve had a close friend mention the words “counseling” or “depression” to me, and I am sad, embarrassed, upset. Each time their spotlight exposes me, I cringe. The heaviness of all I’m trying to carry makes it hard to function.

From my left, Kelly gently places her hand atop my shoulder, like an anchor trying to still my rocking soul. And not unlike a wounded animal, I wish I could flee for cover. Maybe stick my head in the ground like an ostrich and ignore the things needing addressed.

I am weary in my journey, and don’t want to talk about it. There is nothing else to say except simply acknowledge it.

“I hear you,” I manage to choke out. And I’m getting the message that God is graciously sending. He always knows exactly what I need.

Five years of battling a gut disorder called SIBO depleted me in every way. (What’s SIBO? You can find out more in this story previously posted HERE.) The whole process of running on the “chronic illness hamster wheel” gets exhausting. Is it any wonder that I might long to jump off and quit?

I debate the issue of counseling with myself on my drive home. Tears threaten, but I can’t allow them, errands come first. Robotically I proceed through my chore list until I’m safely back home.

Inside my house, I linger in the bathroom which doubles as the laundry room. I dismantled it last fall, the washer and dryer pulled away from the edges, and there they sit, just waiting. I keep adding paint samples onto the wall.

“I’d really like to get the bathroom put back together again,” my husband nudged last week.

“I know, I know, me too. I can’t seem to move forward or decide what to do with it,” I answer. I have no desire to finish.

And it’s not just the bathroom. There are signs of unfinished projects everywhere. I’ve left tile for the kitchen backsplash sitting on my countertop for months, frustrating the helper we’ve lined up with my inability to move forward. I’ve been researching safe flooring options to replace worn out carpets for over a year. Dejected, I realize my house reflects my mind.

I think about last spring (2023) when I thought things were getting better. When I was sure I was heading towards healing and a finish line. Springtime had come, I was rejoicing and singing in the Easter choir and joyfully serving my family Easter dinner. I had no idea that it would be a difficult summer, or that I’d be dealing with a complete SIBO relapse by fall.

Now, one year later (spring 2024), things appear bleak. Most of my treatments are no longer working, and my efforts to keep the hamster wheel spinning are half-hearted.

On top of that, I miss the Easter choir at my church this year! The songs in my spirit won’t get sung without help from others. I’m not sure I can continue singing in the dark by myself.

I dream about a day when my house is back in order, and I can sit down with others and eat anything I want. My fear is that this won’t happen until I arrive at the great banquet hall in heaven.

Meanwhile, I’m wearing out both myself and the hamster wheel. I can search out new doctors, a new counselor, but when will it all end?

More importantly, can I keep singing if it doesn’t?

I don’t like living in unfinished stories…

Now…Here is the Finished Story!

One year later, I can say this story has a great ending! :)

How did God work in this situation for me?

• Well, first, he gave me insight through prayer and my friends—recognition and acknowledgment of the truth about where I was at.

  God even used a complete stranger suffering from dementia. I was helping her during a church service project when she turned to me and asked “Are you depressed?” I’d never met her before, how could she know that?! Apparently, God used her to confirm the message that he was aware of my situation—but that’s another story :).

• Next, God continued by bringing help in some surprising ways—first, a new Christian counselor, and then a specialized test because of my SIBO struggle. This medical test indicated my gut wasn’t making serotonin. Once we added that back into my body, I felt better within a month! In fact, it felt like a night-and-day difference.

• God also led me to try some new enzymes and supplements that helped immensely. I can now eat more foods than I’ve been able to in a long time, and (WAIT FOR IT…) I’ve recently gained back almost all of the fifteen pounds I’d lost because of the SIBO!! (I know not everyone would be happy about this, but for me, this is GREAT news!)

• And thanks be to God, by the end of last summer, I finished all but one of those outstanding projects with my energy and focus restored. I started new projects such as this Substack writing and spoke at a local church. And I’ve taken on some new tasks such as teaching a writing class at our church.

Today—

My health is better than it’s been for the past five years. So I am praising God for all these answers! I can’t even imagine where I would be without his help.

Depression can be a long haul by ourselves, friends. We have to find others to share it with.*

Join with me in celebrating the difference that one year, even one month, can bring with God on our side!!

Thank you, Jesus.

Can You Relate?

Depression is so common, I believe it’s part of many of our journeys. Symptoms range from mild to moderate to incapacitating, and there are as many causes as treatments these days.

How about you, friends?

1. Can you relate to my story or have suffered from depression of some sort?

2. How would you describe it, major or minor, physical, emotional, spiritual, or circumstantial?

3. How has God worked to help you through it? I’m interested to hear your experiences if anyone would like to share them in our private member chat:

*Here is a good book on depression if interested, recommended by our church.

Worship Time :)

A song for when the darkness overshadows the Light…

**Photo by Melissa Askew on Unsplash