Finding Freedom in Forgiveness

And An Open Letter to A Perpetrator

*God’s love

Author Note: Today’s post is a follow-up to the previous one called Steeper and Deeper, which you can find here if you haven’t read it.

Raging Slave

I remember the first time that pure rage overwhelmed me.

I stood inside my walk-in closet, engulfed in clothes, picking out a skirt for my morning as a prayer volunteer in the hospital chaplain’s office.

Suddenly, I thought about all the ways life might’ve been different at this point if THAT MAN hadn’t derailed my life.

And I was LIVID.

I couldn’t breathe, doubled over and gripped my chest as if to keep my heart from exploding. It only took a split second, but the engulfing rage that bubbled up inside shocked and scared me.

At age 25, having spent several years overcoming a mental breakdown and learning how NOT to hide feelings, actually experiencing deep rage felt terrifying. Alarm bells rang, because I felt like a monster. Holy crap, was I turning into HIM?

A quiet thought pushed it’s way into my stunned mind: “You’re going to need to forgive.”

Say, what? Are you kidding me? I can’t do that!!

I pushed the voice out of my head and tried to go about my day. But this was my old way of dealing with emotions, and rage doesn’t just disappear. It showed up uninvited again a week later, and then a third time.

But so did that quiet nudge to forgive. That third time, like the adage goes, was the charm.

Since I’d surrendered to God, I’d been learning about deep healing in my soul. I realized I would never outrun this rage, and that I couldn’t handle it alone. Rage effectively turned me into a person I didn’t want to be.

The Only Answer

The ONLY answer I had was to give the rage up to Jesus. All the desire and need I felt for justice or revenge needed to be brought to His feet. AND LEFT THERE. Without giving it over to Him, I wouldn’t survive or thrive.

Forgiving my perpetrator turned out to be one of the most difficult tasks in my healing journey. It forced me to trust that only God is the righteous Judge with the authority to fix all the wrongs.

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” (Rom. 12:19, ESV).

I found out forgiveness wasn’t a “once and done” type of event. Instead, forgiveness operates as a daily choice, turning over to God those hurts and lost dreams. It requires building spiritual muscles to trust that God will do what He said He would—serve up justice and make all things new. And that any judgment or forgiveness is up to Him, not me.

So Cut it Loose!

**Release

With the process of forgiveness, there’s often a lag time of several weeks before your emotions align with your decisions. But ultimately? Forgiveness is the only path forward to true healing and the abundant life Jesus offers.

And how can I forget what Jesus did when He forgave me? I’d learned through Bible study that my sin was just as much sin as THAT GUY’S, because sin is sin in God’s eyes, and can’t be ignored.

The out-of-control rage faded that day when I asked God to help me forgive THAT MAN and see him through God’s eyes. I felt as though I had cut loose a huge tank of garbage that floated up to Jesus, and I’ve never looked back.

Now…

Since I’ve been writing about these events, I found myself with a few new questions. So last week, I wrote out the following letter to my perpetrator. I’m sharing this here because I can't be the only one with past hurts from someone requiring forgiveness! You will need to read to the end to understand the title :)

(And if any of this resonates, please let me know! Your comments mean the world to me, and help me to know where you might need prayer as well.)

Steeper, Still

(An Open Letter to My Perpetrator)

You probably never realized
How your bad choices would domino and dominate 
a decade of my young life;

In fact, I’m sure you didn’t consider the consequences at all! 

Only what YOU wanted. 
Only your OWN desire for power and control. 

And I was SO. VERY. ANGRY. 

It took me a decade of reactions before I found real help in Jesus. 

It took me surrendering my anger, resentment, sins, and shame to Him before I found solace and relief.

I had to give my desire for retribution over to the righteous Judge of the universe, 
and then trust Him to do right. 
Make it right. 
Fix it all right.

Will not the judge of the universe do right? (see Gen. 18:25)

AND, as I work on penning this twisted story
To bring others hope,

It occurred to me—

You’ve already met Him, the Righteous One.
Some years ago now, you stood before Him. 

The God who sees all, knows all, and can heal all.
Our Righteous Judge of the Universe.

Did it bring you to your knees, like I know it will me?

Did you acknowledge sin and wrongdoing?

Did you take it—His offer of forgiveness and grace?

 Or did you turn away in pride and anger?

 (For your sake, I hope you didn't). 

BUT.

 I’m still not ready to see you there. At least, not without Jesus by my side. 

I only wish…

*You had never messed with me. 

*That I hadn’t been so young. So quiet. 

*That you hadn’t schooled me in how to misuse others. 

*That I hadn’t unknowingly perpetrated your pattern. 

*That I’d found forgiveness and freedom in Jesus MUCH earlier. 

*That I wouldn’t fight mixed emotions at the thought of facing you again in eternity. 

*That this had never happened. That you had never done this.


Because it was a steep price for me to pay… 


But I have a voice now, and Wisdom from the Eternal One.

And finding Jesus because of the mess you made? 

Way. Beyond. Priceless!
 
Because, the price He paid? 

Was Steeper,
Still.

*Photo by Guilia Salvaterra on Unsplash

**Photo by Nayer Ayman on Unsplash